


Close Your Eyes (and remember)

by moonis



Category: HOTSHOT (Band), JBJ (Band), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Again, Hurt/Comfort, OT6Hotshot, Slight HaTae, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 15:44:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12610008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonis/pseuds/moonis
Summary: There are a lot of weeds, but I promise you there will also be more flowers.There are also long showers of rain, but I promise you the Sun will shine longer.I want you to remember that the love we have for you is always going to be more than anything in the world. This downpour will pass soon so I hope our warmth is enough to keep you away from the cold.





	Close Your Eyes (and remember)

The aircond above him whirred—blowing no-longer-cold air throughout the room, the flourescent lamp that shines the whole room with dim orange light makes a buzzing noise and at the end of the room, rainwater dripped faintly into the half-filled bucket.

Most of the times, those noises went unnoticed as the practice room had always been filled with loud music but during these times, when the stereo is abruptly turned off after long hours of loud bass music alongside the squeaky noises of the worn out soles meeting the smooth floor, the noises felt too loud yet too silent leaving too much space for his thoughts to float around forming a wall he felt too weak to overcome.

Looking at mirror, his figure seemed even smaller in the spacious room.

He remembered that during middle school, the English teacher had always nagged him saying “you won’t remember everything you read; you must write it down to make sure it stays imprinted in your mind.”

Funnily, he can finally prove her wrong now. Those horrible words he saw in a mere second before exiting the browser in sudden panic—he can remember every single one of them, he can even repeat it word by word feeling it cuts his tongue with its sharp syllables.

Or it is just how the world works, the things you want to remember takes effort to be remembered while the things you don’t want to remember just effortlessly plant themselves deep within your memories?

Slowly, his hands surreptitiously crept to his phone, unlocking it without a single glance towards it.

He knows it is a bad habit, moreover for idols who are 24 hours under the surveillance of netizens but he cannot help the itching ache in his heart—they grow like tendrils of plant inching towards his fingertips.

There is a part of himself unable to take in the reality—a part of his brain trying to convince him that they were referring to someone else—someone with the same name who coincidentally did the things he just did who just happen to resemble him.

Heavy fingers ran through the keyboards.

‘Noh taehyun’, he watched the three syllables appeared in the search bar as the feeling of detachment course throughout him like a poison—rendering himself speechless and out of body. Somehow the spelling seemed different; somehow it felt as if noh taehyun is not something to be identified to himself.

He cannot help the dry laugh that passed his throat painfully as his finger slipped to the search button.

Of course, the internet is always fastest at 2 am.

 

Without prompting, his breath halted at his throat and heat pooled in his eyes. Every toxic words, every manipulative syllable, he swallowed them—feeling the thorns scratching the rough surface of his tongue, pricking smooth surface of his throat until it settled heavily in his chest.

Even with all the silent noises, he could hear the cracks quickly spreading out in his heart like they are made of thin ice.

 

Back then, there was this riling heat rising in his chest and annoyance forcing horrible words to pass his lips everytime this kind of thing happens.

But now there is only hesitant heaviness settling in the center of his chest like a ball of broken glasses pricking the fragile skin.

With his knees to his chin and arms slung tightly around his legs, listlessly, he scrolled and scrolled wishing there is an end to this or at least the end where all of his heart has broken completely. The noises has completely faded into the background, the poisonous words instead floats—wrapped themselves around the small figure in the big practice room.

 

‘Tap.’

Suddenly his world turned black, soft hands pressing light pressure to his wet eyes. Upon the surprise, his trembling hands ran to tug away the hands only to find them stubbornly pressing harder.

“Guess w-who?” The repressed heavy voice suddenly cracked into a much thinner one once a droplet of water clung onto the younger one’s palm.

For a moment, they were frozen like that.

Between the small gaps of the latter’s fingers, taehyun can only winces at the reflection in front of him. How vulnerable he looked—his trembling hands gripping the latter’s small wrist loosely, the phone innocently displaying the comments filled only with hurtful words and his both swelling eyes hidden by the latter’s small stilled hands.

“Sungwoon, get your dirty hands off me,” he said, wincing over how shaky his voice sounded.

Within seconds, the younger one retracted his hand back gently as Taehyun quickly flipped his phone over and rested his head face first to his knees—grabbing the chance to erase the tears track—before pulling his head back up to sport a hesitant smile at the younger one.

Sungwoon’s face was devoid of any emotion as he stood up then plopped down gracelessly next to Taehyun looking at their reflection impassively.

He didn’t even made a single effort to wipe the wetness on his palm instead he just let his palm meets the floor to support him. Taehyun supposed that he should be grateful towards the act but seeing this, the urge to cry just intensified.

 

“What were you doing?” The younger one asked suddenly—voice all impassive and gentle at once.

“Practice.” He replied too quickly, earning an eyebrow quirk from the other.

Heaving a sigh, he tried again, “going through tweets.” He doesn’t even know why he tried to cover it, going through tweets are the norms for them ever since pre-debut days.

Hearing the reply, the younger one only let out an understanding ah as he nodded along.

 

Too tensed to look directly at the younger boy, the dancer look straight at the big pane of mirror—their reflection a bit blurry due to the moisture clinging on the panels.

‘We should probably wipe the mirror.’ He almost said to get rid of the hesitant tension building between them but decide not to at the younger one’s compressed lips.

“It’s frustrating?” Sungwoon asked gently, his fingers fiddling with his shoelaces.

“No,” he answered quickly, the derisive laughter passed his lips felt empty, “which idols who haven’t had bad comments?”

“Right, no one. Our lives are theirs to be consumed.” He agreed easily, pushing the older one to become annoyed at the persistent air between them.

 

“But—sometimes, it’s just—agh,” he growled, unwrapping his arms from his legs to cushion his head as he lay down, “how do you handle with that?”

The younger one can only laugh amusingly over the main dancer’s inchorence before lying down next to him. “Why are you asking me?”

“Ei,” he mocked, elbowing the latter, “you got a lot of hate when the producer edited your friends list too. I know you checked them.”

Sungwoon laughed again, not the full blown annoying laugh, not the fake obvious hahaha laugh either but dorkiness infused one that sounds like a terrible hehehe. Automatically, taehyun’s lips quirked.

How can one has such a wide variety of laugh is beyond him.

“Ah,” he sighed after the weird laugh.

The older one thought he has touched a sensitive subject leaving them as gaping holes in the floor tonight but when he propped himself up to look at the younger boy, he sports a peaceful smile with his eyes closed.

The older one was just about to berate him for ignoring his question until sungwoon muttered, “I close my eyes.”

Taehyun could only snort excessively at his cringy reply as the younger one’s bright eyes fluttered open. He eyed Taehyun seriously, sneering at him for ruining the mood before closing his eyes back.

The older boy can only rolled his eyes, if the solution is really that easy, he would not be here now wearing out each of his limbs to make sleep less fitful.

Unfazed, the younger boy continued, “I close my eyes and remember.”

“I remember my parents, my grandparents, my siblings.”

“I remember our fans, our members, I remember you.”

The sudden wide smile blooming on the younger one pale face took him by surprise as he relented to his weakened arms and laid his head on the floor facing sungwoon, waiting for a longer explanation.

“I remember the long letter our fans made during our anniversary, the instagram spam during our birthdays, the cakes and the gifts. I remember when we all cried deciding whether to go on Produce 101 or not. I remember the stupid shout we do before we go on stage. Ah, I remember our fanchants. I remember our first fanmeeting.”

“I also remember Junhyuk and Timo hugging each of us for full 10 minutes before we left for produce 101. I remember them babbling the whole time we packed while we secretly mock them. I remember you reminding me that we are doing this for hotshot before the audition. I remember you staying up with me on our first night at dorms because I couldn’t sleep.”

“The hate comments, tweets—it was really a lot.”

“But,” he muttered, suddenly rolling to the side facing the older boy, “the love I received is always going to be more than any of it.”

“So just close your eyes. The good will always be more than the bad ones.”

“When you wake up tomorrow or the next day or next week, you will see more good comments because bad things always end.” He let out an audible sigh before fluttering his eyes open—the orange tinged light making his flawless face look surreal.

 

Sungwoon’s bright eyes on him unnerved him so he turned his head facing the dingy ceiling wall they are far too used to and slowly closed his eyes missing Sungwoon’s small accomplished smile.

Heaving a sigh, he tried to clear his mind, picking out the stars from the sky as a warm breath ghosted on his shoulder and cold fingertips rested on his left arm.

In any other situation, Taehyun would have quickly pulled himself away from the skinship addicted boy. But tonight, with the cold air blowing from the open window, Taehyun welcomed it. It feels like the younger boy was somehow anchoring him to this world as he let his thought scatters and tries to remember.

He remembers, weeks ago, they made a deal that if they are going to do this; they are going to do this together as a six membered team under the name hotshot.

He remembers the amount of snacks moonkyu packed into both of his and sungwoon’s suitcase—telling them to share because obviously the ratio is going to be one sided when sungwoon keep on putting everything he found in the bag.

He remembers all of them cramping his and sungwoon’s room while they are packing just to make sure it do not feel as if they are going on their own.

He remembers the audible sound of relief mixed with amazement coming from his right when he also got picked into A class.

He remembers Sungwoon’s insistent arms that enveloped him as soon as they exited the stage—letting his nerves unfurled no longer knotted deep within his stomach.

He remembers the younger boy’s lingering gaze on him everytime they got separated on the show—somehow even meters away he could feel the affection the boy was trying to convey.

He remembers Junhyuk’s picking up his call even before the first ring finish and acting as if he has not been waiting for their calls.

He remembers the flood of admiration and compliments coming from other participants as his ears redden and sungwoon, the idiotic jerk has the nerve to mock him while sporting a fond smile.

He also remembers the sparse banners decorated with his name ‘Noh Taehyun’ among the audience when he stood on stage—it was surreal how can he ever felt any detachment towards the name when it is shown so much love.

He also remembers Sungwoon’s occasional visits to his practice session, effortlessly charming his teammates with his flawless skin, bright smiles and joy filled voice.

He remembers the main vocal’s persistent skinship, the leader’s gentle voice asking if he is okay that always manage to get his throat wells up, the youngest’s innocent brightness that infects him easily, the rapper’s persuasive voice begging him to play with him.

He remembers the cheery air everytime he meets up with the rest of his friends that slowly crushes his will to be stuck at home.

He remembers them—while not as vividly as the cutting sharp words but as liquid warmth that seeps into every fiber of his being. Whilst the earlier tears felt like knife scratching against rough concrete wall, these warm tears felt like picking each of the glass shards and let them fall to the ground in silent shatters.

 

 

“Yah!” The sudden exclaim accompanied by the loud bang of the door hitting the wall quickly roused them from the sleepy haze. Drowsily, they both opened their eyes to see Junhyuk storming into the practice room with an exasperated face.

Taehyun could only blink confusedly at them while Sungwoon flushes with an embarrassed smile as he got up to sitting position.

“Ha Sungwoon, I told you to get Taehyun so we can all go eat dinner not for you two to sleep here.” The leader continued as he rubbed his face tiredly. It was his fault for asking the brat to do something really.

Shuffling quietly, Moonkyu also entered the room, his eyes bright under the orange light.

“Isn’t it cold?” he asked abruptly as he went into the room to close the window.

For a second, the dancer felt like the time has frozen once again as he looked at the reflection on the mirror. The two maknaes trickled into the room laughing together about something they just watch while junhyuk berating them both for not turning on their phones and moonkyu still struggling with the window. He felt like he can just drown in the warmth that suddenly surged into the room deafening the silent noises that once were there until sungwoon caught his eyes from the mirror.

He let out a quiet laugh.

“Can’t we just eat at home?” he asked with a hoarse voice, drawing junhyuk’s attention at once.

“Yeah, it’s late anyway,” the leader affirmed, pushing his hair back before walking into the room, pushing moonkyu aside to pull down the window with a single push.

Taehyun glanced at sungwoon as they both stifled a laugh.

“Ah, then we went out for nothing,” Hojung whined suddenly as he broke out of the conversation between him and san.

The leader rubbed his hands together dismissing the cold before eyeing the two lovebirds, “you two were already out.”

Hopping up, Sungwoon stretched before joining the maknae line dragging them out of the room after shouting let’s go repeated by the excited youngest.

The hyung line could only shake their heads amusingly as taehyun slowly got up and stretched—feeling well exhausted.

“Let’s go.”

Junhyuk was nearing the door when he suddenly halted, letting moonkyu walk past him as he turned back.

“Taehyun-ah,” he called out with a wide smile, “you did well. I’m proud of you.”

**Author's Note:**

> It's 5 am now, I’m sorry, I wish I could write this better or properly or just longer but the heartache it brings along was just too much to bear. The amount of responsibility Tae has to shoulder now compared to when he was in hotshot is far too different.   
> While I understand that a flower has to go through sunshine and downpour to bloom, I cannot help but to have my heart broken for every raindrop that dare to touch him.
> 
> Hotples, atms, let’s be strong.


End file.
